I just poured my flask into a drink. Then I realized the drink belonged to the guy next to me so I stole it from him. He confronted me and I made out with him to distract him. When I looked up, I realized his wife was watching. Its barely 10:00.
I drove you home. there is no excuse for wrecking your car 3 hours later.
working out is totally making me break out.. i'm doomed to forever be either a butterface or a butterbod. there is no way out.
Jus posted an album so big that it takes my manhood into question
My dad just told the waiter to keep the pitchers coming until someone passes out.
Hovering on the line between her being fuckable and me being too drunk to fuck. Life's juggling act in progress here.
I know how I'm going to make my fortune.. designing an icepack made specifically for the vagina.
Florida has a way of just fucking with a person's soul and jizzing all over their hopes and dreams. Like existential bukkake.
U thinks that's bad? He told me that he had to envision high school wrestling in order to bust a nut with some girl
So because I got upset you didn't answer I threw my phone in the garbage disposal last night
Do you remember doing synchronized hip thrusts to Michael Jackson? Probably one of my favorite parts of the night
I was looking for a pen and I stumbled upon my mom's vibrator. On a related note, yes I will be going out tonight.
if it makes you feel any better you looked really comfortable while you were sleepin in the closet, atleast according to the pictures i woke up with on my phone
If you fucking touch my phone and text people, drunk or sober, ever again, i will shove a swizle stick up your pee hole.
Reverse road head. Sa-witch!!!
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