So, I woke up to an empty bottle of scotch and a dead car. The last thing I remember are the strippers being mad at me. Awesome night.
Feels good to be wearing underwear again though...
I wonder what it would be like to masturbate in space
can we take a shower together?
no need for the romantic shit. I'm a sure thing
So can we just skip dinner and I'll just pay you for a blowjob?
Don't tempt me, I need beer money.
he stole me 6 pairs of frilly undies and proclaimed "your ass looks like a 5 in those. it'll be a 10 in these bad boys". every girl needs a gay bff.
My dad just called from upstairs on the house phone to tell me to bring him a beer. You tell me how I am.
After I saw you grinding on that guy with your shirt completely unbuttoned, I figured it was time for pizza.
They just kept handing me shots and saying welcome to college
Just saw 1 guy dressed as a cow and another dressed as a shrimp dancing on the side of the road. We're turning around I NEED to dance with them.
I drunk dialed my ex-boyfriend last night. He was sitting next to my new boyfriend. Shoot me in the face.
I woke up in a trash can. Please dude. I don't know what I did to you last night, but I'm sorry. Epically sorry. Please call me back. Please.
My liver appreciates your vow of avoiding matrimony
I hope. Last year I got lost in New Orleans and some guy named Cookie walked me home while I cried.
Andddddd I'm drunk
Andddddd it's Tuesday
That's your opinion.
Same way I cope with everything else. With dildos, dunkin and depeche mode
Randomize