the realtor just asked me if i've ever made meth on this property.... i need to do something about my hair
My neighbor just watched me eat a granola bar without pants, this is a whole new level of unemployed
did i paint my nails blue or do i need to make a trip to the ER?
I made mike pull over so I could lay in the grass. He made me get up cuz I looked dead and people were passing. It was like 6:30am.
I tried to discuss modern art with a cab driver after explaining that I only had one shoe on b/c a pitbull ate the other one. Wtf. Call me when you can.
We ended up sleeping in the emergency room for safety (you know, well lit, cameras..) and then an ambulance drove us to the train station around 4am. great last night in australia.
It's like the god of all feather dusters, but for your vagina
It really is the softest mustache
I should become a firefighter. Who uses his cock to fight fires. Like a Superhero.
I don't trust a bar IN TENNESSEE that doesn't have Jack Daniels.
After we finished, she peed a little on my chest and told me she was "marking her territory". I didn't know if I should have been scared or aroused.
I have got to stop telling people I was almost a prositute every time I drink
please god let this picture I just uploaded not have my vagina in it
Just puked. First it was bright neon blue then it turned to bright lime green. How does that even happen? And wtf was I drinkin last night?
You did an excessive amount of blow and then screamed "WHO THE FUCK NEEDS A LADDER?!" And then Mario style wall-jumped onto the roof. It was one of the most impressive things I've ever seen.
You where banging on the wall asking us where we hid the door...you then crawled under the deck thinking you'd be safe. I told you to eat the nachos before the party...I told you.....
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