So I just walked in on one of our neighbors having sex...on our couch.
WHAT?!
He apologized for staining our couch, then asked if he could make me a drink. Pretty sure he was still inside her while we were talking.
This is your typical "sorry i got drunk and tried to seduce you into having sex while you were throwing up" text.
it was 5AM and you were field goal kicking solo cups into the sink
Do they take checks?
Did you really just ask me if you could write a check for a DRUG DEAL?
If I don't at least start a parade that spirals into drunken riots then I'm calling it a fail of a birthday
Don't smoke out front when you get home there's gasoline involved I'll tell you later
Gave him an awesome blow job on his living room couch last night, so at least he'll have something nice to think about next time he's watching the Tigers lose.
Whatever. I just smoked another bowl so I don't care and wow I just noticed how fast my thumb moves when I text. I'm amazing.
we're a generation of lazy underachieving stoners and uncreative overachieving automatons. you're golden
Also cheers for the reminder to check last night's texts. It's been a magical adventure through drunk me's thought process.
The last thing I searched on my phone was "leave in conditioner on cats." This is where my life is.
I just woke up hand cuffed to the bar and shirtless, so yeah I think I need you to come get me.
Mom is so high she had to turn off the ceiling fan because it was going too fast and it freaked her out.
So, were you planning on telling me you left your panties in my glovebox??
Legal advice please. Can you sue someone for jerking off to photos of you?
Randomize