Your drunken mistake is coming over to see if she wants to buy any of our furniture. I know youre desperate, but try not to fuck her, without a condom, for a fourth time, while shes there.
I can't believe I am actually paying for a night in a hotel for my parents so I can throw a party the night before Christmas Eve. I also can't believe they think it's their Christmas present.
The only funny part about this situation was this morning when they rounded up all the drunks in the ER, piled us into a minivan, then dropped us all off at our houses.
Just seen a lady with the back of her head shaved and the rest of her hair in a pony tail like a sumo wrestler with a 6 inch glass dolphin hair clip. Nothing is going to ruin my day.
She found my wedding ring, sallowed it and wished me good luck explaining it to my wife before walking out. Now what?
Fuck that. I'm not afraid to die. I'll prove you can survive on a bagel bites and rum diet.
His mom already thought we were lesbians BODY SHOTS WERE JUST NOT AN OPTION SORRY
The rest of the concert I just stared at the lights and didn't really listen to the music cuz I was trying to make sure my brain still worked cuz my face was numb and I couldn't move... Yeah I'm not a weed brownie person
I was like kind of drunk but mostly just very enthusiastic about beyonce
He has silky zebra print sheets, which you would think he put on just for me, but the bed was unmade. Did I just sleep with a closet case??
I stared at him for a solid five minutes because he looked like what I imagine god would look like if god was a lumberjack
If you're funny as hell and have a mustache, odds are I'm probably gonna fuck you
Her hookup left his underwear and shorts in the dorm last night... What he was wearing when he left, we may never know.
It's the Ides of March, motherfucker. That means we're supposed to daydrink, right?
Uhm... Found a ziploc bag... In the freezer. Sam, thought it was lemonade. Why did you make frozen piss at my house, again?
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