This guy sitting next to me just bought a plot of land off the internet. On a whim. In the middle of class
So my roomate was sunbathing this morning on the porch with a sock covering his penis
Sounds like a really classy character....
He is classy. It was argyle.
Dude, I would hit that so hard that whoever could pull me out would become the king of England
i just made a girl do the walk of shame. as a bumblebee. i love halloween.
I just remembered we said the Lord's Prayer before we went out last night.
[insert really romantic bullshit about how much i love you and how beautiful you are so you will suck my dick tonight]
you were cooking a hot pocket with a grill lighter what did you want me to do
One of the bamboo sticks broke and impaled him. I think he's drunk enough that it shouldn't hurt until tomorrow.
We just filmed our own version of iron chef. The secret ingreient was whisky.
What did you cook with whisky?
We started a fire.
SHE GRABBED MY FULLY ERECT DICK IN A BAR AND STUCK HER TONGUE DOWN MY THROAT AND I COULD NOT CLOSE
I would have been very attracted to her had she not been reading me my Miranda Rights
you can only text me tonight if its in drake lyrics. thats the rule
How's Vegas?
Woke up with a sculpture of my own head. Been trying to find Ashley for two days. so pretty not too bad.
Ah, Christ. I just saw a D lister I made out with once on a Rock Of Love rerun. Why are you asleep right now? Some weird shit is happening.
I have never in my life been turned down for sex until this weekend.
Welcome to my everyday.
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