I'm think I may have given your ex's number to a convicted sex offender.
Win!
Ohh the wonderful, yet disgusting things she can do with her hair
when I woke up the last searched thing on my phone was "how to make a fireproof dress" I need to stop drinking.
look to my right... shes dancing like she's playing dance dance revolution and her character is a retarded, drunken moose
You bet me 100 dollars that the Raiders would win the super bowl this year. I have it on tape.
You hit on the cop telling him you were celebrating the anniversary of your 21st birthday and ur boob job... That's how he got ur #
ah tequila...
Do they take checks?
Did you really just ask me if you could write a check for a DRUG DEAL?
and then some norwegians asked us to be in their porno.
My god. We'll be gay porn millionaires.
Hey wes just called me saying he was asleep outside by the pond at my apt complex
He just asked me if he's allowed to flirt with me. That's how whipped he is.
our flight took off 8 am and the bar didn't close til 5, so we decided it was a good idea to just stay out all night. Drunk logic is awesome. We were all scared we wouldn't get let onto the plane
stalking the twitter feeds of girls who have fucked my current fuck buddy makes me glad we use condoms
You almost got us killed.
YOU’RE WELCOME FOR NAVIGATING YOU TO A ONCE IN A LIFETIME EXPERIENCE.
I'm just letting you know right now in advance that if I die or go to the hospital or end up in jail tonight it's because your kid sold me mushrooms.
Randomize
