is it sad that i can masturbate and get my big O just from thinking about a Tiffany engagement ring?
He smothers me through text. I can't even image what he'd be like in person.
Pretty sure I just slept with Elmo.
we were watching porn and trying to copy the position they were doing now i think my hip is dislocated
Please come pick me up? I sleep walked to planned parenthood again.
That's cool, I just have to let the dogs out AND SO HELP ME GOD IF YOU TEXT ME BAHA MEN LYRICS WE ARE NOT FRIENDS.
So the stripper who poured a beer on my head also gives great head. Even she doesn't know why she went home with me. No more mystery shot challenges.
Yeah. It's just like I have his virginity and he has my shoes and where do we go from here.
Some guy just ordered at Cosmo and 2 screwdrivers in the sky club at 8:30 am. I'm starting to feel a lot better about my alcoholism
Tolerating him while I'm not drunk is like trying to find a word that rhymes with orange
I'm in the smoking section between a transvestite molly dealer and a group of juggalos. I shouldn't be that hard to find.
I was asked last night if Magnum makes a XXL..... I don't think I've ever broken this many condoms in my life
Well my parents know I get medical Cannabis they saw me on the news at the dispensary
just walked passed a black light...apparently he DID cum.
GOD I WOULD STAB DANNY IN THE EYE WITH HIS OWN PENIS
.........That big, huh?
No. I would cut it off
Randomize
