Call me when you're up
Great dream, you were in it
I know I said I was done dating 22 year olds but it's not my fault all the guys my age gave up on life and got fat
I just figured you know how to drive a boat and I know how to get drunk. What can go wrong
HOW DID YOU END UP IN THE BATHROOM WITH A DANCER AFTER 12 MINUTES?
We were eating hotdog buns dipped in French onion dip in lawn chairs at 4am. That drunk
I got stood up on a date. They are singing "dancing with myself" on karaoke in my honor.
thank god we only have to drink eggnog and rum once a year. It taste like shit.
Having a vagina does not stop me from believeing my balls are bigger than yours.
I'm bringing Sergeant Single Slut out this weekend. I hope you're ready for her.
I'd have paid money to see Cookie Monster playing with a vibrator
If you're ever desperate for a guy's #, ask him to call your lost cell phone so you can find it. Some genius used that on me last night. FML
Apparently there's nothing on sonza for "giving a handjob while sunbathing"
He kept asking for nudes so I sent him a picture another guys dick. He called me ruthless.
I'm gonna guess ur still high cus last night at like 3am my pillows were morphing into cats and I kept trying to pet them
Burnt my boob on a piece of hot waffle at work today..I feel like thats a new low point in my career..
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