Vibrator and massage oils got stopped at security. Super.
just dd'd my mom home while she begged me to let her drunk dial my ex, jammed out to party in the usa, and then passed the fuck out. thanks for the genes mom.
if you just come over, i will entertain you
arguing about the color of your bong does not count as entertainment
The guy you hooked up with is asleep in the tub. I just pee'd and he said 'turn off the tap' before snoring again.
If you do wifi you would be helping my penis out & real friends care about their friends penises...
wanna mail me your GoPro for St.Patties and I'll mail it back to you coverend in puke?
If there was a tv show called "True Life: My 58 Year Old Dad Rolls Better J's Than Me" I'd be on it.
okay we need to get tested.
no YOU need to get tested. I'm just going along for the ride.
Well, I guess you are not meant to have this fucking picture of an adorable baby duck.
He went down on me for an hour and a half. He needs to get promoted more often.
Please remind me tomorrow that I ate a loaf of jimmy johns bread on the toilet 5 mins ago
You are a super loving wife. But did you, at any point since Thanksgiving, slip me half your bottle of stool softeners?
I just pulled back the shower curtain to reveal Cinnamon Toast Crunch and a spoon in the bathtub. Ambien is a hell of a drug.
ya well i woke up to my roommate spraying me with windex...
Someone's gotta tell him drunk sex comes before dating
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