Being alone has allowed me to flourish into a complete weirdo
The only reason why I invited him to my party was because he is suicidal.
Dude.. I don’t care how hairy she is, you already left me at the bar, and now I have to find another fucking way home... NOW BE A MAN ABOUT IT!
so she sprained her ankle somehow and her friend had to carry her out while all 7 of us watched. do we even need to vote on that or is that automatic induction into the hall of shame?
Thanks for FaceTime'ing with that ugly chick last night while me and her friend were in the other room. it's good to know I can still count on my wingman even when we're 2000 miles apart
Im doing shots of vodka in the bathroom covered in pillows.
Tornado warnings are fun!
I need a vacation from myself..this is duely noted after I tried giving myself a concussion last night
That's what I'm here for. To bitch slap you into believing in yourself.
I spent part of my valentines extracting candy hearts from a woman's vagina. The entire time I was thinking "this job pays for my Mercedes. This job pays for my Mercedes. This job pays for my Mercedes."
Boss out of town. Had 2 beers for lunch, a long walk and a bowl...and then in he comes. Blamed obvious intoxication on my pain meds. Back at the bar. This is one of those bad judgement days.
I'm going to sleep with this bank teller and I'm going to enjoy it, just try and stop me
I walked in to you guys using a milk jug as a gravity bong
Surrounded by smaller versions of the same
Thanks for leaving me with drunk gabby
Hahahaha why what's happening?
She's sending me morse code through the wall....typical
Im crying watching 9/11 footage eating spray can cheese in my pajamas.
I just watched your fat stupid son get hit by a Prius. Ran right in front of it. He's all right . But... Maybe you should have taught him to look both ways like a responsible parent does.
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