my head looks like a cockatoo
mine looks like a lions mane...looks like the entire zoo is going to prom
End of the semester and I banged 14 freshman. I'm like my own welcome to college orientation guide.
That would explain his violent outburst while watching barefoot contessa...
I just found what appears to be a tooth in my purse...anybody missing one?
If people don't want my drunken phone call then TAKE YOUR FUCKING NUMER OFF OF FACEBOOK, like it's just that easy...
look at his last status update. 3:41 a.m. "i love u and miss u already egg burrito. happy trails friend." OF COURSE HE SMOKES POT.
"Bring the kids" is the most terrifying 3 words I've ever heard in my life.
U offered to motor boat her and it somehow turned into u two going on a sunset cruise in Newport. At 3am.
There's s woman at the corner of the bar dancing by herself in her seat and making eye contact with me. Please hurry.
For the first time in my life, I may be the most normal person in the room.
Update: I am definitely the most normal person in this room. And the least tattooed.
We were drunk having sex and I knocked over her bedside table/fish bowl and she jumped off to check if her fish was still alive but she made me pasta so it's cool
Don't be alarmed when we finally get naked and I let out a WOOHOO!!!
We get up to three toppings. Dignity is not one of them.
You chugged Absolut from a beer bong. Why WOULDN'T you be a champion?
Pretty sure I just pissed straight whiskey...
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