fuck, i think i'm broken. Alchyhol air mattress = the suck.
I got so high that I decided to drive with my knees on the way home. Where am I going in life?
Nowhere
she fell down the flight of stairs and was fine until she saw the two broken beer bottles on the ground by her.
thats a woman
yeah. you were just sitting there watching transformers, caressing your toaster.
i just found a cheeto on my floor and ate it. i might still be drunk.
mid-sex i was thinking.. these are not the right balls slapping me
Thank GOD those kids were having a lemonade stand, I didn't have anything to wash down my plan b with.
Well on a lighter note, guess who just threw up in the elevator
im not 100% but im pretty sure at some point i was rubbing ur bf's beard telling him how magnificient i thought it was
Your lack of a response has proven you've clearly forgotten how crazy I am.
Tonight will be judged a success if I walk out without having thrown up on my shirt.
you literally stared at me for three minutes and then said "hey this tequila isn't gonna drink itself, boss"
Those nachos came to me in a dream
What exactly is it about Doctor Who thigh high socks with a matching shirt that says "take me I'm yours!"
Someone needs to get Mark off the roof. I told you that he doesn’t shut up about ancient Egypt if you give him henny.
Randomize
