I realized today that the only reason you made out with Travis is because he has nice teeth
Drunk in a bar in Texas. The 24 y/o hottie I am chatting up just called me a male cougar. I am dealing with this whole turning 40 thing juuuust fine.
They call it the Collection Couch because all 4 room mates have slept with at least 3 different girls on it. He tried to seal the deal with "would you like to be number 14?"
And sadly I did.
My vagina is scared and excited at the same time. It might not be able to sleep tonight.
Dude I walked in to my house just to be handed a bottle of vodka by my sister. She then said i had 15 minutes to finish it. Moving into my parents place is the best choice I have made this year.
The way I see it, everyone on campus has a fake, but I'm the only person who actually makes beer in their dorm.
Ya I guess if we compared our actions now with our actions 2 years ago. We are definitely in a constant state of shit showness.
you put your hands over the taxi driver's eyes and shouted GUESS THE WAY TO THE CLUB
He's holding a pee stick. Yes it's weird.
My phone autocorrects "pooping" to "popping" and I'm like DO YOU EVEN KNOW ME??!
Made it just outside my dorm and yack on the front dirt. Wave to a dad thats staring, continue on my way.
That was the night I passed out and someone threw chicken at me. SORRY I wasn't available to cockblock you from that Hispanic dude.
That seems dangerous to buy acid from a stranger on craigslist
He drove over an hour to get this shit done. I guess i win the golden vagina award tonight
I was dressed as Waldo and the cops kept saying looks like we fuckin found you
Randomize
