I hate you but I'm not in hate with you
Sweetheart, you've always been a horrid bitch...
All I wanted to tell you is that I fucked a guy covered in fake blood, who circumcised himself.
Just because your phone has a case on it doesn't mean it will survive a 5 story drop out the window.
That's a really weird place to spoon. Especially if there are more accessible places to spoon. Like a bathtub.
I just saved him in my contacts as "Has 2 kids.. don't drunk text"
I woke up with a new Tiffanys necklace on. I'm such a classy drunk.
I did the walk of shame wearing his scrubs. Fucking med school students is the way to go.
uh, 3 redbulls and 400mg of caffeine pills and i still feel like life is in slowmotion..lets not take tranquilizers again.
You kidnapped her dog. I don't care that you and the dog are epic bros, that's just not cool. Return him.
In my defense I didn't know there was concrete on the other side of that fence when I tossed him over it.
You're both fucking idiots and this is why I should never let you two drink alone.
I just borrowed porn from my middle aged mother. This is what desperate looks like.
Im bringing my light up rubber ducky just in case we end up at a rave tonight. HE CHANGES COLOR!
woke up hungover this morning lying in a water raft covered in water.. i dont know if i should consider this good or bad
They made Game of Thrones Oreos. Kill me.
Randomize
