I seriously think I have a tan line on my stomach from getting a boner while in the taning bed.
I was. I was trying to blow bubbles in the toilet after I threw up in it. They had to carry me everywhere. I lost a sock.
so exactly how many freshman chicks did i tell to call me "the tripod"?
There is a contact in my phone named "Bar Mcntysu." this is why we need a third person to go out with us.
Apparently i asked the cab driver how much the ride was going to cost, (he said about $25) then i offered him 50 to let me drive the cab...
Dude I wanna go on a booze cruise
Dude our life is a booze cruise
But without boats...
I'd have paid money to see Cookie Monster playing with a vibrator
The worst thing about him living around the corner is that who ever suggests the booty call is the one that walks over.
I'm spending my Sunday wishing the entire Patriots offense would let me touch their manhood
I have the rest of my life to settle down this is totally time for friends and pizza
I have this vague feeling that I was involved in a dance off with a homeless man?
You opened the door to your apartment and shrieked "THE CHAIR IS GONE!" then punted a bag of votive candles
We were drunk waiting for tacos and I gave him a handy in the back of the Uber while giving the driver relationship advice. I think I'm handling the whole grad school thing alright.
I just texted him from the other room to come have sex with me-stress relieved
You are such a millennial
Who is naked dude in the kitchen?
Randomize
