life lesson #1: a fart during an awkward silence between 2 strangers doesnt make it less awkward.
the choice between paying your electricity bill and getting herpes medicine is a tough one.
It doesn't matter if I tell the story beginning to end or end to beginning, the story still starts with a random girl blowing me in the bathroom.
i must've hopped out the car and eaten some leaves...even when your'e drunk that's not acceptable
I hope I bought a crossbow. Also I need to not drink that much
But I wanna cuddle and just put my hand awkwardly close to your penis area by accident and look at you
Checked my photo vault today... My self nudie folder is passing the 150 mark.
The weird thing is that you don't send them to anyone. You just keep them for yourself...
I think the universe has a conglomeration of sentences reserved only for me.
You slapped the bar and yelled "daddys thirsty!" at the lady behind the bar
To be fair I was thirsty
When she told you not to yell you looked directly at me and screamed "Man, she sucks!"
You know you are high when you are so glad it wasn't your freshly buttered raisin bread that fell on your foot. It was your $400 Ipod
I had 2 shots but she spilt one on me. Kinda mad but kinda grateful
You randomly sent me a black Santa Claus emoji at 2am. I think alcohol was involved.
We put you in the box and you started to cry, that's how high you were.
You ripped the leaves off the top of a pineapple then rubbed the rough skin part all over your face saying "this is how you mate with other species"
Maybe for you. You don't have to clean the melted butter off the stove. I LOST THE SPECIAL SEASONINGS.
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