If I remember correctly, I may have been smoking a cigarette on the dance floor. This is the true sign of a douchebag in his native habitat...fmylife
there's a wrestler here in a Ferrari//puma hoodie who is telling girls his win//loss record as a pickup line.
He showed me a four inch blond hair that grows out of his side. He calls it his little ray of sunshine. Please come get me.
He googled "how long will i be drunk" and just started crying
Do you remember using the heel of your shoe as a shish kabob stick? You offered me some chicken, but I declined.
You insisted on squirting shots of captain morgan in your mouth with a turkey baster by like 930.
I woke up this morning covered in blood and peanut butter. I am now safe from vampires with nut allergies.
Don't worry I'm alive. The apt is all locked up so I'm sleeping on the patio. The frozen pizza I got might be toast unless someone lets me in soon. If not its all good I'll be here snoring on the patio
My arms are still sore. Apparently, lube wrestling is the best workout ever.
Had a guy spin me around at the bar, kiss me then say "oh shit you're not who I thought you were" and then walk away.
We fucked so hard that when I orgasmed I tore his towel rack off the wall. He was more impressed than mad.
answer my text you professional douchebag
and i mean that in the cutest, flirtiest way possible
I'm hiding in the bathroom at the library but there are children here I just want to drunk cry in peace
My fuck buddy just proposed... Correct me if I'm wrong, but doesn't that completely defeat the purpose of FRIENDS with benefits?
Now you can be friends with Insurance Benefits.
I just found an old slice of LIME in my wallet?????????
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