Listen the way I know if I'm drunk is if I have stage fright in the pisser if I do then I'm not drunk! And I definitely still do right now!
Yeah I guess I was Pocahontus. If she were a trifling drunk who hung out in her undies, with possible brain damage.
you know you've been in a long relationship when u start retiring sex toys
I love watching others lives come down to our level.
Look at the bright side...I have an 11 inch penis
Damn it, I know in the morning I'm going to regret eating out of the trash...
she passed out facedown in my lap while I was playing piano. 11 years of piano lessons finally paid for themselves.
Grad practice is like a live scrapbook of my drunken sexual encounters
Yeah got a self inflicted broken nose.
Steve called. He needs me to pick him up. He also asked for a set of his clothes, he can't find them. He is such a strong motivation to stay sober.
He was respectful of both me and my One Direction calendar.
IM GOING TO SIT ON YOUR FACE AND CHANT 'I BELIEVE THAT WE WILL WIN'
Why'd you print out every dick pic you've ever received and tape them to the bathroom walls?
JB just got pulled over and I am in the trunk...... this isnt good
My new plan is to whip out my titties when they arrive. Maybe they won’t notice that I broke the couch fucking my boss...
Randomize
