I hit 10,000 texts this month.. I think my grandkids have carpal tunnel.
I am currently in the waffle making stage of highness
In my junk email folder, there are literally 67 messages from Alcoholics Anonymous. What..the fuck.
nothing like Chinese food and masturbating on a Saturday night
then they caught me trying to hide the turtle in the fridge
I'm gonna need a helmet and adult supervision by 9...
like the only thing i remember is bringing a piece of toast to the bar...
Some guy walked in while I was taking a piss and asked me if I knew of a back way out of the bar. He looked pretty freaked out.
I mean, two foreign guys have drunkenly confessed their love for her, so she's clearly doing something right.
I recommend we watch the Super Bowl together and have celebratory sex if we win. Good news is I don't have a team I dislike so were guaranteed a win.
the best part was at the strip club when he said he was "here to pick up my wife. she's up on stage.....wait that's my aunt". only in Ottawa.
I've found my spirit animal. I'm a Snapple bottle. If you take my top off I'll tell you a fact about science.
He has fairy lights round his bed.. And played Jamie cullum when we had sex... Hes batting for the other team right?
I hate that I still want him to look at me as the vagina that got away.
Thanks for the reference. If your boss hires me, I'll buy you a drink.
If my boss hires you, I'm going to need it.
Randomize
