lets start a swedish sibling band together
yea i came on her face and told her to bring a snorkel next time
Dude I just masturbated laying underneath my Christmas tree. Apparently all I want for Christmas is to get laid.
i just shit on the floor of my room. my roommate was in the bathroom, my choices were limited.
i wish i could tell you the night didnt begin with me drinking alone
Only you could be admitted to the ER and walk out with a nurse's phone number. I wish I was gay
It's probably just the physical manifestation of slut karma. But i of course mean that in the kindest way possible because i love you and respect your choices
So if I get kidnapped from my office and go missing for a few days does that count against my vacation days and do I still get paid?
Zak is like the Picasso of masterbatory texts
He thought he was ordering for the whole party so when he came back with thirty burritos and four of us were left, he wasn't happy
GOOD MORNING. Have you seen the Avenger vibrators?
I spend so much of my life shaving my body hair off and I want nothing more than his beard in all my hairless places.
You need a new phone. When you talk it sounds like the teacher from Peanuts while she's trying to give a blowjob.
So someone just asked us for our kidneys?!?
Feel free to drag me back to reality at your convenience
Randomize