i caught a guy at work today stealing condoms. i let him go when i realized that they were extra small.
so...dinner was kid's cuisine and a bottle of wine. i think they go well together.
:( I miss blowjobs.
This is probably the strangest conversational segue we've ever had.
you should give me head with plastic fangs in
Going to the hospital for stitches on my balls. Mom walked in on me manscaping with an electric razor. Tell NOBODY.
The world isn't going to end because you slept with him!
... that would be easier though.
i've really grown. sober me left an alarm for me every 10 minutes that said NO FAT CHICKS!
dude. im stealing that.
He said that he didn't know what level the sun was on, and then he puked.
You started drinking at 2:30, did you really think you would be able to remember?
The cab driver was nice enough to let you finish your beer in the car, but you crossed the line when you started to pee in the empty bottle
Dont judge the spank bank, just be happy that you were deposited there.
Emojis can't explain what he felt when that ass dropped
Lmao a dude who just got out of prison said im worth 10 cigarettes in prison...I think that's a compliment
My friends say stay away from him but it’s still 2017 so I’m allowed to make shit decisions until midnight hahah
I was trying to type "I just want you naked" and it put "I just want you baked"
Randomize
