I picked my nose. Flicked it. I heard it hit something. Next thing I know, it's floating around in my wine glass.
Went to mcdonalds... Wishing I could throw up the last 20 hours of my life.
i realized our last day of finals is on cinco de mayo....it's god's way of saying drink ridiculous amounts of tequila and wear sombreros
Next time we go to the river, we nominate you to flash people for free booze. Your tits are the biggest.
It's not my fault. Someone keeps buying me tequila shots. Idk who. But every time I look down there's another. I think there's a conspiracy.
Not sure why, but I was running back and forth across the road. Cab hit me and gave us a free ride home.
They're having lesbian sex while I play super mario world. I hope they like the music
Yesterday you said I was the best.
No. I said you DID your best. There's a huge difference.
He stumbled out of the bathroom with his pants around his ankles yelling "tie my shooes!"
On a serious note, don't let me forget to tell you about firecracker baseball. I'm glad I have my fingers. I had to count them.
The night they met I slept with both of them. Of course I'm best man.
I AM SMARTER THAN EVERY FUCKBOY WHO HAS EVER SWIPED LEFT ON ME
She is getting high and watching the Hobbit. I want her life.
So she is basically watching her own life story: short people traveling to strange places.
Does anyone remember last night? Because I still don't know why I now own a goldfish and a ceiling fan made of pizza?
I never thought I'd be judging my neighbors sex lives before age 30 but here we are
Randomize
