Xanax induced break ups are the best. Since I'm a professional fiancee, I'm going to break up with them on Xanax from now on. It didn't hurt one tiiiiiny bit.
I too understand the importance of cheesy bread
Fact: The drinking you do in college doesn't affect your liver in real life.
Question: Is it too early to claim April Fools on the text "can we do some lines before the concert" that I accidentally sent Mom?
Need to stop getting stoned with this chick, I keep waking up covered in pizza sauce
I tried to put a seat belt on in the shower. And I'm 80% sure I ate soap.
Every time I drink before 5 somebody's pet dies
Stop drinking before 5
Easier said than done
That's just a really flattering way of saying, "Yes, you're useless, but you have great tits."
HELP! How do I get paint off the dog?
If tits could talk, mine would be bragging
White girls? They're everywhere. In packs. Drunk white girl packs.
WE HAD GREAT SEX AND I HATE MYSELF FOR IT
Dude you literally tried to cook your phone in the microwave. You were so wasted you asked your mom to help you turn it on.
I woke up naked and alone this morning. What a life
So her ex boyfriend came up a lot in conversation while I was fucking her. Is that weird?
Who the fuck has a conversation during sex?
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