Where the fuck is Rob at, he hasnt answered his phone in like 2 weeks.
Dude Rob died 2 weeks ago wtf?
Holy shit r u serious? How?
Just kidding, but im pretty sure he boned your gf and doesnt want to talk to you.
Why do i always get involved with 3 women at once?
Because life brings drama and thus like moths to a flame, women
I woke up to him eating me out, listening to classical music.
He tried to write down the address for the cab on half a bagel.
there were staples in my comforter. what kind of sex did we even have?
Apparently it's poor taste to ask for a break up blow job...in McDonald's. Also, that's not the best way to break the news either.
I peed in my sheets during a dream. Like straight up. A whole new drunk.
When we picked him up this morning the cop said that if they actually arrested every drunk American who pissed on cathedral doors, Spain wouldn't have any room for real prisoners.
you're the one asking for my vibrator at 4 in the morning so reconsider your life
I was thinking that maybe I should not apply to Wells Fargo because they def have me on candid camera taking a drunken nap at 3am in their lobby.
There is a car windscreen wiper in my handbag... Not my car's, not ok.
The nice lady at the neighborhood liquor store informs me that we have a new woman-run neighborhood sex shop. Jesus loves me and wants me to have a happy Valentine's day.
MAGGIE IS ON MY COUCH PETTING AN HONEST TO CHRIST ARMADILLO AND SOBBING INTO HOT CHOCHOLATE. WHAT THE FUCK DID YOU DO TO HER.
im about to bake her parents a "thank you for making such beautiful babies, ive had sex with all 5 of them" cake
hey if my parents say thanks for the meatballs just go with it ill explain later
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