I thought it couldn't get worse until she said "Nipple hair"
I will never underestimate my ability to drunken ramble. At one point last night i think i was talking about hieroglyphics
I just smoked pot in front of my old Elementary School. It's like my Childhood and Adulthood are coming together in this awesome thing.
and then you yelled "out of the way, i'm a lifeguard!" and everyone let us through
At what point did you think the cops were actually coming to hang out with us
You cant hold me accountable for my actions when im high.
you pushed her into a kiddie pool and knocked out her front teeth... and you still managed to get laid. what. the. fuck.
He tried to give me a shoulder massage while i peed in the neighbors bushes to "make it more relaxing."... I let him... That drunk
Woke up to a break up text for a facebook relationship I didn't even know I was in... 2012 is going to be a good year
All I know is that I'm not gonna send out SOS messages via twitter for your rescue this time.
Ok: all ex-gfs except you from the last 5 years have or are about to have a baby...be on the lookout...
I know you're on a date and I should leave you alone but about twenty minutes ago I realized I haven't been spanked in years so if you're still looking for a birthday present, you know, consider it.
It's settled. One of us is going to bang her brother. The world demands justice and he's hot. We'll be the justice league if it were made of alcoholic whores
Are you on your way? Get your date and black out with me. Democracy's at stake.
I just changed all my morning alarms to wake me up with different Jesse McCartney songs telling me I'm beautiful. Would you believe I'll be 25 this year?
It was great. Except he kept asking me to lick his butthole, I was like firm no
Randomize
