I faked an abortion last night.
Coming down off exstacy at a church event. Resisting the urge to dance to the church hymns.
I get so lonely sometimes I set my phone's alarm to go off every 5 minutes or so and imagine people are texting me.
Is it proper Ass-Fingering-Etiquette to tell her u felt her poop or just pretend it didn't happen?
She made me put my jeans under her mattress so that I wouldn't leave in the morning while she was still sleeping. Apparently I just look like "that guy".
i'm 6 minutes and 3 drinks deep before she gets here. she's do-able for a wednesday night, but i still need to mentally prepare, ya know?
you drew a penis with ranch dressing. tried to take a picture of it and dropped your phone in it. Then made moaning sounds while you licked it off.
we ended up on her 9 year old brothers bed and he saw the whole thing.... now he will know how to use his equipment
They turned the water off again. Brushed my teeth with whats left from those pitchers of mojitos. So hung over i dont even care.
ps I'm eating candy off our sex sheets. gotta say the only thing better than sweet tarts is sweet tarts with a hint of sex. perfect post vday situation
Let's learn from last year: Leave the handcuffs at home on St Patrick's Day.
I can't be here...my therapist just watched me take tequila shots
Did we have sex last night?
No. You laid in my bed and I brought you taco bell.
Well I mean I HAD done a pretty good job of not pooping myself through the years
The only words we could get out of him as he stared catatonically into space were "Everyone I know and love is dead"
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