I just woke up with streamers wrapped around me. Glitter in my hair. My fish are swimming in empty bottles of Barcardi. Helpppp
How can people commit suicide when things like bagels exist
We walked in and they were fucking to Somewhere Over the Rainbow... I need a new roommate.
it's official, i know exactly what cross streets we're at by the bumps when i give him road head
hey, sorry about all the butter. I thought it was gonna help.
Pretty sure I just heard the turkey yell "don't put me in there" as it was going in the oven. way too high for this holiday.
And for some reason I just want to have sex with EVERYTHING
Who knew there were so many rules and judgements about laying on a kitchen floor. I'm all like I'm resting. It just happens to be on a kitchen floor.
And I don't know if this is really ESP, or just a crazy feeling, but I'm pretty sure he has an std. Or at least a cold.
Only you would have a vasectomy while you're awake and report on the soundtrack first
Is it bad that I recognize every dick in your dic pic collection?
When she said "Tighten your safety belt and hold on!", that should have been a clear sign to me that one should never go off-roading in a rental car. On the bright side, they were able to tow her car out the next morning.
He caught a Pokemon on my head while I sucked him off. I think I need to marry him.
You don't know bruises until you've been banged by 3 drunk bagpipers in the back of thier bus
So I was walking to the bathroom and some random dude threw up while walking towards me. He kept eye contact the entire time and didn't stop moving.
Randomize
