I just opened a bottle of wine with a shoe and a tube of mascara. Get on my level
the fire alarm went off. we werent sure whether to leave or turn the music up louder
Apparently it's ok to apply for building permits drunk. I feel like there definitely is a law preventing that.
hungover and i feel like a burrito
like eating one or like you are one?
like i am one.
I filled this oven with as much Pizza as I could, and I've been eating out of it for three days.
Just ate the last piece. Refilling the oven.
This drunk girl wants you to know that I do actually like you. I'm not just using you for sex. I think you're cool.
As if right now I am a humanitarian. Full story to come in the morning. It involves sex.
If anyone wants to ring in the new year with gluttony and yoga pants, let me know. As soon as it becomes a socially acceptable hour to drink margaritas, I'm gonna go down on a chimichanga.
If there was a build-a-penis, I would build that penis.
Wesley I'm sober and my body hurts. There wasn't much trust in any of those falls.
What should've been a 10 minute beer run turned into her having a 40 minute mental breakdown in my car while in the parking lot. She then asked if she could live at my house and be my girlfriend. Her finishing act was stealing my peanut m&m's.
Well, when a girl introduces herself as "stormy" and gets your number from her boyfriends phone, I'd say that your situation is to be expected.
One singular head for man, one giant climax for mankind
I'm surronded by jorts. You're probably too drunk to care. I'm gonna cry now. Love you.
he just asked me that if he was a penguin and I was a penguin if I would fuck him
I love you. Doing a double. Going to die. It will be painful. Let the world know i partied. God, did i party.
Randomize
