Why did I wake up this morning with 10 tally marks on my hand and a penis drawn on my tits?
Keeping hand sanitizer and lube in the same drawer in the same size bottle = awful idea
rainy day on campus = new personal fetish for girls in booty shorts and colorful rain boots
A female Wisconsin fan just headbutted the bouncer. Im deeply terrified and oddly aroused at the same time.
if i remember New Year's Eve then there is something seriously wrong.
you just used a box of cheese-its to get into the bar
I am more sore today than I was after my car wreck. Take it as a compliment that you bang harder than a semi-truck.
I told him I had to grab my Swedish fish from the car before they froze. Then I just left. But the fact that he knew how important it was not to have my fish freeze almost made me come back in....almost.
Slow dancing with the chandelier.
You handed J your Mayan-pocalypse shopping list and told him he wasn't getting laid unless he brought everything on it. Where is he supposed to get a live goat?!
Give me a second. I'm doing my best but I'm drunk so for some reason fitting both my boobs in the pic is just incredibly difficult. They aren't THAT big. I'm just being retarded.
I just had a twenty minute discussion about endangered breed dog breeding with an Extremely drunk guy
So many questions...
My boss just texted me, clearly drunk, and said get down here pronto with a handle of rum, 50 lbs. of cold cuts, and a BB gun. This is not why I went to law school.
Just watched someone fail a field sobriety test. Miserably. At 4:50p. I think it's my future husband
God bless him
I made it out of the house. Success.
It's not better out here. I'm at Target hyperventilating in the aisles.
Randomize
