Its way too early to be sitting naked at his dining room table...
Just pulled my keys, cell-phone and a pack of cigarettes out from between my cleavage. This one guy's face was priceless.
Just saw a baby with a T-shirt that read "I am the result of my mother forgetting to take her magic pills". I can't believe they make shit like that.
We are the drunkest people in Toys R' Us right now
It reminded me of the time my mother gave my Bailey's in my stocking when I was 14.
Breaking up as roommates was a poor life decision. I'm sorry. Thank you for never shitting on the floor.
This drunk girl wants you to know that I do actually like you. I'm not just using you for sex. I think you're cool.
You were carrying a 6 ft lamp that we stole on your back yelling "OHANA MEANS FAMILY AND FAMILY MEANS NOBODY GETS LEFT BEHIND"
The appetizer at the dinner I went to tonight was Klonopin and a Bloody Mary.
Drunk me just left a note for sober me apologizing for all the fucking crumbs in our bed
So yeah, my old kindergarten teacher just asked me who gave me the hickies on me neck.
I've scurried myself in your trunk come find me in the morning
I'm basically cruising around listening to 90's gangsta rap with my meatball sub telling people to go fuck themselves
Was I just dreaming, or was there a corpse at work last night?
She was just sleeping.
Is it bad that I'm kind of disappointed by that?
I dont know which is weirder.. the fact that i just watched our mom kick ass at beer pong and ride the pole like a true fire girl or the fact that ive never felt closer to her in my life.
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