Someone shit on the floor
so he shaved. down there. and before he took his pants off i thought it was hot but then all i could think about were the naked mole rats from 7 grade science class.
O.A.R does not stand for Old Recycled Abortions.
If they ask for a stool sample we r no longer friends.
it was really awkward, he kept trying to get on the bed with us and we kept having to kick him back on the floor.
We went out. i got lost. dunno where they were. they slept in the car. i slept in an outdoor shower. i dont know anything else.
There are sesame seeds in my vagina. This cannot be explained with logic.
At least I wasn't still dressed as a bottle of dom perignon when they took me to the ER
The guy who took my order at mcdonalds asked for my number. I think we should start fucking fast food employees, they're easy and think we're goddesses.
Im pretty sure he just said he wants to make a baby with me, but he's pretty shitfaced, so I'm not sure if he knows who I am.
I feel like, for the first time today, we had a healthy yolo.
I told the cop to try walking in heels and he'd understand why I was walking home without then on. He told me he only does that on Wednesdays.
I consider myself to be an upstream bisexual
You're the salmon of the gays...
I have two bottles of emergency tequila stashed under my desk at work.
We all love a big dick, but you’re going to develop a reputation if you keep asking every guy at the bar ‘how big your dick’
That’s all I’m saying
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