....ANDDD I just became confused during sexting and sent my mother a text describing a "porno-worthy cum shot."
WE WERE REALLY IN A PORNO LAST NIGHT
I woke up in my girlfriends bed with another guy laying next to me. wtf.
We've made a drinking game out of how many times the tornado sirens go off. We're good at tornado safety.
dude she snuck out while I was still sleeping then was banging on the door 10 minutes later cuz her car was brokedown. how was I suppose to recognize her??
i am way too old to be getting fingered at work
the back of my hand read, "say no to drugs." my palm read, "say yes to shots." when the fuck did I write that?
You should make cookies and when I get home we can have a slow motion hug and eat them
The amount I want to die right now is not proportionate to the level of fun I had last night. Not fair.
I'd love to sympathize with you but I'm drunk in a mansion
Hey, the point is, I have 3 guys to fuck to get over the last one. It's my golden rule. You told me to find a hobby! It translated as "find another guy".
That is the opposite way I told you to find a hobby.
And is it bad that I haven't talked to guys who I haven't already dated? I feel like a recycle bin.
The fact that he said "there's nothing wrong with being a raging drunk, just ask my mother." has me thinking that I have no positive role-models among my friends.
Shower sex is an art that should not be attemted drunk
He got hit with a horseshoe, set on fire, fell out of a tree, and puked all over the side of his car, all before midnight. Everclear.
Randomize
