I'm gonna have bed sores at the end of this hangover.
Let's just do a victory lap through all of our exes.
I'm still drunk. it's summer. I just need a hot dog and an aspirin.
I woke up to a 3rd person picture of my own dick sent from a 1-800 number..
Remember that time i gave you head on MY birthday and you made me stop so you could watch the rhino part in 300
Why am I wearing a dog collar
Only way we could keep you from running in to traffic.
I just recorded myself pooping, then uploaded to google drive, then connected to my pc through teamviewer then downloaded it, then played it to the living room while still pooping. God I love the internet.
You walked up to me, grabbed my face and said "I just peed in the sink!"
His mom finally got over her shame and smoked a bowl with us. Merry Christmas to all aka me.
With a butt like mine I'll never have to pay for Netflix again.
I witness him finger a girl behind the dj decks yet I'm still going to meet up with him. Wtf is my life
I'm gonna have to kick a girl scouts ass...
Remember the golden rule, wine is for baths, and beer is for showers.
I just realized I'm not wearing clothes. I think my pants may be in the kitchen but I have no idea where my shirt is. I'm kinda worried.
Could’ve gone my whole life not seeing a man snort coke off another man’s cock... but there it is...
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