Guy at red light looking at porn. I'm waiting for him to look over at me so I can shake my head and he can feel bad
well right now he's telling us a story how he befriended a racoon
I.V.'s should just be available for purchase at Walmart. God I'm dehydrated.
We'll find out our level of friendship after tonight. You'll be helping me move a body. My body.
I actively tried geting in the guy's pants and ended up in the girl's. I'm bad at this whole straight while drunk thing.
What happened to my knees?
You ate shit in front of the homeless people. They applauded.
Two cats fucking in the middle of the street. I sat there and watched in my car because I didn't want to cock block the male by honkin my horn.
I just folded my boss's lingerie. I need a drink and a raise
Talking to her is like watching "Bad Life Choices: The Movie"
I hope to God it's not the new neighbors having sex, because what I'm hearing sounds like a mildly defective vuvuzela or a cow giving birth.
You were cuddling with an eight iron and I was eating a fajita completely ignoring your presence.
YO. MCGRIDDLES.
She woke up with her hand super glued to the fridge....how the hell am I Supposed to get her off??
It’s a dick. Seen one, seen em all. Unless it spews a fountain of tequila, I don’t need to see yours.
Me and dad were just reflecting on that time he found a gas mask bong in the backyard.
Randomize
