U know its gonna be a great day when the guy at the liquor store waves at u cause u walked by
sitting in my room eating a boneless rib tv dinner, and listening to taylor swift's love story, and i sharted. had to finish the ribs and hear the end of the song before i went to the bathroom to wipe.
hey im gonna send you a picture of my dinner
if its a picture of your dick again we are no longer friends
when she was cumming she looked like terri schiavo. it took all of my memorized porn images to not go limp.
he looked about as manly as a guy in a volkswagen bug can look
I'm not a pervert.. I just like to be naked...
You tried telling the RA that girl you brought home was your mom...
I'll just dance on top of the ping pong table, and if it's stable enough for that, then it's stable enough for sex
ps if your frozen peas taste like crotch it's because some dude kicked me in the nuts while trying to do a keg stand and I needed an ice pack
New bet. First person to fuck their girlfriend and narrate the whole thing in Morgan freemans voice wins. You are disqualified if she asks you about. My girlfriend is on her rag. U have the headstart. Your move...
The plane down was full of newly weds and I counted 5 pairs of mile high club members. Actually, one might have been a group membership discount.
I just got hit with cramps and found a mystery pill. I'm gonna stay put for an hour and at least see what happens.
I just put on lipstick to sext him. That should tell you where my love life is at.
He changed the password on his Netflix account. The break up is official.
We told the cop that we were playing soccer, in flip flops, and 2:30 in the morning. It was raining and i had board shorts on. He bought it, lets go get drunk
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