You can tell a man will be prosperous by the power of his farts- A fart that can shake the room is a voice that can change the world.
I just cut my nipple shaving
I just reenacted what a cuntadactyl would act like by putting straws in my mouth as teeth and roaring, Plz come get me.
sorry for the naked aussie man in your room last night, he got lost on his way to the bathroom
apparently i walked around all last night forcing people to beer bong whatever drink was in their hand. so far this morning ive had three people refer to me as beer bong man
It wasn't like a party or anything. They played PlayStation and talked about sports. Then I threw up on his porch.
i'm going as a slutty football player, and all night i'll drunkily whisper "id love to catch your balls." into random strangers ears.
I cannot believe this. A potential 2016 Olympiad wants my vag. To which I respond "GO FOR THE GOLD"
you have to be that girl in the audience holding up the sign that says i fucked the shit out of you
Some girl just ordered Chinese delivery to her therapy appointment...
xanax give me strength to not ask where we stand with booty calls
you can't let guys come on your chest and then hog my blanket
Ok I'm drunk as fuck already at 529 and this waitress started flirting with me, I wanna bang her for acknowledging my existence
Ok maybe now I get why I'm single I think I just broke a rib pooping
Drunk sex on a hardwood floor is never ever a good idea. Lesson learned.
Things change once you put a ring on it. 5 years ago if I had morning wood she would have gone nympho on that. Now I am just lucky if she touches it rolling when we sleep.
Randomize
