hey, what are you doing? my roommates are gone for the night... you should come over ;)
nah, i'm gonna grab some food
Dont judge me. He may have been ugly but he was INCREDIBLE. He's like the Susan Boyle of sex.
Her directions to the house party: "the north star will guide you, turn left. I'm wearing the potato hat"
I just handed the barista at Starbucks a panty liner instead of my card....maybe I should upgrade this Tall to a Venti...
It was about the point the universe collapsed in on itself and I was a singularity of insanity that I realized I was tripping balls.
I just wanna go somewhere and not be judged for wearing spandex shorts that make my ass look like a slice of fucking heaven. Is that so much to ask??
I was just informed that I have the perfect belly button for body shots... Best compliment ever.
Dad had me doing shots of chocolate mint Everclear last night. I've never felt closer to him.
While I was sneeking out of her apartment, there was a giant cage with a parrot in it. I half expected it to squak "hit and run...hit and run."
i wear a size 32DD bra. its basically impossible for me to get a speeding ticket
On a separate note, I just found out some condoms aren't vegan. Problem.
Hahahaha I can't wait for you to ask "wait. are there any animal by products in that?"
Word my sister pulled through for me and brought vodka shooters for the plane. its about to be a sloppy 4 hours
I spent half an hour sculpting my pubes into a perfect triangle of really short hair, and the first thing he said when he saw it was "Don't you think you need a shave?"
My vagina is glad I'm back at work because it needs a vacation after working all through my vacation.
I really love you. Like, more than tequila...& we both know that's my favorite.
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