After he proceded to violently molest my tits until 9 am i snuck out of his room only to meet his mother downstairs, who informed me she heard the giant sexfest going on in the room next to them.. this was before she called us both "chickenshits".. worst walk of shame ever.
I heard from multiple reliable sources that she doesn't have a gag reflex. Of course I'm going to try to go home with her.
we found his I.D. in the upstairs bathroom...under a towel in a hidden pile of snacks from her kitchen
sudden memory flashback: you and i having sex on the bed, erin sitting naked in your desk chair drinking whiskey straight from the bottle while harassing you for your computer password to play some "mood music." high five. go us.
thanks for being my moral compass. and thanks for not always pointing north so i can be slutty and not feel bad about it.
Well THAT'S the last time I buy beer and baby wipes in the same Walmart run ... just wanted to shout I USE THEM TO REMOVE MY MAKEUP, YOU ASSHOLES
...there was a woman in the stall next to me in the Walmart bathroom having a massive bowl movement and whispering "I'm sorry" over and over
A milkman. But instead of milk I'm delivering marijuana. And instead of a milk truck it's an armored car.
You're a weed delivery man, in an armored car?
Nah. After about 5 shots he decided he needed to clean the gutters. We're headed to the hospital now so meet us there.
She said she wanted you to slurp her vagina like a spaghetti noodle.
the worst fight me and my gf ever had was over Guy fieri
UVE SEEN MY TITS OKAY STOP CRYING
went to class still drunk this morning and my professor made the class give me a round of applause and said, "see people, THIS is inspirational... if she can make it to class in this condition there is no excuse not to show up!"
All right well I’m making her sugar cookies and sleeping with her husband tonight. Just another manic Monday
You do realize last night you asked me if shampoo had an expiration date then cried for 15 mins when I told you it did
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