Who would have sex with her? She looks like she shops at baby gap
My plan for valentine's day: take a shot for every guy I've slept with. To keep me from going to the hospital I'm only doing half a shot for small dicks
she said, and i quote, "i want to black out with my rack out"
And here i was gonna offer you a complimentary blowjob.
Just so you know there's a random man downstairs knocking on a door with a dozen roses and a 30 pack of beer. Unattractive or not, I'm inviting him in.
Man, only now that I'm single is it painfully obvious that I have zero booty calls in waiting. This could be a cold winter
I think it may of been me pulling down my pants is why she walked away.
ok is that genuinely the first four bars of mozart's symphony #40 sharpied onto my arm or
I am too drunk to be out in this weather around all these animals.
i came home to her naked eating chilli on the living room floor. Stop giving her jager.
I must be the strongest person who ever managed to get knocked down by a pug.
Well I smoked some weird shit and I think I peed on my phone.
I'm finally in my bed, my pants are off, and there's no pee on my carpet this is the best life has been all day
we were all too drunk to realize that the cat wasnt yours
I am listening to my ipod while i puke, this is most entertaining hangover i have ever had.
Randomize
