her vagina looked like a handful of raisins.
I least I know I can't get pregnant because it's on my hair
He has that cheese in a can and he's eating it. I have never seen that outside a goofy movie.
there are certain things about getting into a cab to go home at 630 am that make me feel like a prostitute.
This is absurd. I need a man. Or even a moderately-clean hobo will do at this point.
At what point did you think the cops were actually coming to hang out with us
You cant hold me accountable for my actions when im high.
Oh god I think I promised some guy from high school that I'd be his fuck buddy in like 3 months
Still had my bottle opener ring on. Started to give him a hand job. LOL
When the cop tells you to leave the pool, does that mean you have to put your bathing suit back on too?
She's in labor and I'm doing shots. Whose the real winner here?
Made it to my hair appointment on time, and got some dick. Today is already a great day
Do I have to cook for the potluck? Can I just bring a costco size bottle of Vodka?
Last night I drank three beers and threw up in a tree house. I am ashamed.
You’d probably be happy to know that I think I’ve mastered the skill of knowing “my type” and then steering clear
FINALLY. I THOUGHT THIS DAY WOULD NEVER COME!
What are you, a fucking toaster ?
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