My nipple is on Facebook.
fuck dude i blacked out on a tuesday. what am i doing with my life?
Winning.
Is moral bankruptcy something you need to file for?
The bank teller laughed at me....I'm apparently that fucking hungover looking
All I wanted was my $85. Judgement free. But nooooo
Is it bad if one of my goals right now is to snort blow through a licorice?
Don't answer that. It is bad.
Using your ex girlfriend's little brother to pick up women at the a&p: priceless
Never backflip into an above ground pool. I think the gash will be smaller by Monday though.
i have a queen bed, a cherrywood bed frame, and gold sheets. how are you saying no to me right now?
My favorite part was screaming to all my life by kc and jojo and just horribly failing
My dream date: Hotdogs/nachos from the bar & tequila. Is that too much to ask?
So basically he is jobless, a potential serial killer, and has poor taste in music? We simply don't have time for that.
Quick question, did I crash teeth with you when I snogged you, or did I headbutt something between the car and the bed last night?
Yeah apparently i called the bartender a "fucking prison warden" after she took my keys and called me a cab
Just set the kids up with doughnuts downstairs so I could go up and masturbate uninterrupted. I am such a good mom.
Little girl was fucking around on the train and completely ran her head into a pole. Totally burst out laughing as she cried. Her mom was not amused. I don't think I should be a Mom. EVER.
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