She got mad when I told her I'd bone her mom. She got MORE mad when her mom heard, and was flattered by it. Proud to say I attract MILFS.
On a scale of "impaired judgement" to "Mel Gibson," how drunk are you?
Toaster
Learned my lesson. Pink pantydroppers out of a beer bong=deceiving
I'm like a number 27.2 on a scale of 1-10 of how badly I want you right now.
Your lack of a response brings it down to a 25.4.
Sorry for all the texts. I got wasted and woke up at the foot of a staircase. From what I can gather, I fell down it.
And I must've sleep walked to the fridge cause when I woke up, there I was, balls deep in a fudge pop.
But, if I start dating you brother, I can't talk to you about the sex anymore!! Like... Can we talk about it anonymously?! I just won't use his name.
He called yelling about whhhhhhiskey and enchiladas I heard sirens in the background last time I talked to him b
He called me 'pal' while complimenting how well I took his load on my face. I've officially been fuckbuddy-zoned.
I wish so many great beards were not attached to even greater jerks. All that face sitting potential wasted. Some of the greatest tragedies of this century.
You owe me a one night stand and a line. Possible an inflatable flamingo as well. And a caesar salad.
I'm not 100 percent on this, but I think I just shit a lump of cement. What the fuck happened last night?
Apparently last night I was doing back bends for the guy making my easy mac because clearly it wasn't easy enough for me.
he asked me for a magic BJ...is that supposed to be different from a normal BJ?
When do you think the murder is going to happen in this Lifetime movie of ours?
Randomize
