How do you jack off and text at the same time?
On my iPhone they have an app for that
Nothing says "You're all grown up now" like setting up your 401k with shitty underwear.
How the hell can the Olympic committee frown so much on weed and yet put on a show you would have to be high to actually enjoy?
he is literally lying on the floor eating cookies. doing nothing. and as i was hitting him he needed to protect the cookies more than himself.
after giving each other head, we had a really nice post-oral heart to heart. found out he lost his virginity in a threesome.
New rule : you aren't allowed anything . Ever .
The guy in the next stall screamed courtesy flush and then puked. Bless you Vegas
He got completely naked and is now just standee there next to my bed poking at my hamster. Why can't I get sex the normal way.
its like i had a thought but i dont know what the words are for it
He was humming "here comes Peter cottontail" while unbuttoning his pants. Happy Easter to me
When you get home...find me in the shower. Only safe place at the moment.
Its like drunk me is Oprah except instead of a car everyone's award is seeing my boobs
He compared my vagina to his favorite T-shirt. I don't know if I should take that as a compliment or not..
It's a good thing vaginas don't have taste buds
I was going to try being motivated today. But then I took a hit while still in bed.
Randomize
