dude your alot more fun to hang out around now that your addicted to coke...but seriously you need to stop
**i WaNt TO sLaP mY niECe wHO ThINks iT iS cUte tO WriTE LiKE tHiS**
She texted me and said she was fingering herself. Don't respond to this because she's the perfect girl. I'd love to smell her cell phone after that.
I assume you meant to text someone else on your contact list instead of your own mother...
During sex he wiggled his hips and said "I'm turning the ice cream" Deal breaker?
Just because your phone has a case on it doesn't mean it will survive a 5 story drop out the window.
Awww, you two will make beautiful abortions together...
judging by the cake all over the hall, my neighbors had a pretty successful thursday too.
I just saw her shopping list. The only things on it are blackberries, hot fudge and condoms. I almost don't wanna know. Almost.
I am too drunk to be out in this weather around all these animals.
Sign she's a keeper: "I would rather be late to brunch than waste a perfectly good boner."
Wearing scrubs to buy plan b so I look like I have my life together.
The only reason I know his name is because we wrote marriage vows in orange crayon on the back of a Walmart receipt.
It's 11:50 on Friday the 13th. There's a full moon. AND the bride to be just puked on herself while getting a lap dance from a stripper named...wait for it....LUCKY. Is this real life?
My brother and I have had one conversation in the past like 3 weeks and it was about what it would be like as a sentient butt plug
Life update: This fucking MacBook repair guy called me over last night for a booty call and he didn’t have a condom OR a bed
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