i'm so high that my cigarette just tasted like chef boyardee. no lie.
She pulled a cheeseburger out of her purse. I have missed her so much.
either she said she was feeling frisky or eating friskies..i was too drunk to understand.
I should be nowhere even remotely near facebook in this condition.
There's a girl sitting in front of me making a PowerPoint on Jack Bauer.
If we have to be apart I understand. Being separated is probably best for our relationship now. I look forward to our booty calls.
your goal of the night was to unlock your iPhone with your nipple. You're going places.
mary just dropped the yahtzee dice in her wine. and shes throwin em like shes on a craps table.
hahahaha slap the bag.
I did too many shots and now a kitten is trying to eat my bagel.
I think anything that happens between 12 and 2 am is just sketchy enough to be a good idea.
remember when I lost my virginity and said I could see myself becoming a sex addict?? Well I'm pretty sure that time has come
Haha. I found pics last week of me getting motorboated by a girl while i was taking a shot. Hahaha in my wedding dress. Classy
So it turns out strippers do encores if enough people yell. Encore song: Self Esteem.
i feel like every weekend turns into a giant blur of i dont want to know...
Somehow, walking in on your drunk mom in a diaper was the least traumatic thing I saw last night
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