I just had my first uncircumcised penis. I kept staring at it like the foreskin was going to fall off on its own.
this is hardly the first time i've been told i'm dressed "too suggestively" for 7 in the morning.
So High I just made Cadbury Coffee. I don't know what it is yet, but it involves Cadbury Eggs and coffee.
For the love of God you used a 40 foot extension cord to bungee jump out the off the 2 nd floor
Upon further investigation it turns out it wasn't blood, but chocolate frosting from the cupcake I shoved in my pocket to "save for later"
Hey do you have any hot friends that would settle for less?
The squirrels are partying on my roof again. Now they're just rubbing it in that I'm home alone on a Saturday night and they're having orgies.
lonely sunday drunk me decided to tweeze my pubes. HORRIBLE IDEA
I can not be a lesbian living on Beaverland.
Sorry I wore your bra during sex last night
It was an interesting experience to have sex while there was a triathlon going on right outside my bedroom window because it sounded like everyone is cheering for you in bed.
How supportive!
Hold on I'll be right there, I can't find my arm.
All I’ve had today is sex and water. I think it’s time for tacos.
There's a pregnant girl taking shots of apple juice
Definitely went to court without a bra and panties because Mr. LastNight’s dog stole them. I guarantee you I was the only lawyer going commando in court
Randomize
