That fat broad you banged out last night is still here and I can hear her snoring through the living room wall. I would leave, but I don't want to come home to an empty fridge.
There is a reason Crest White Strips don't list masturbation as one of the myriad of activities to do while whitening your teeth. A very good reason.
four loko is apparently banned in the us. so i think its time for us to stock up. i already emailed them about buying them in bulk
id pay someone 5 dollars to tell me whos house im at right now. comfy couch though
Just now remembered singing Trashy Women at the reception. Not karaoke, just sang along with the mic I stole from the DJ. All while still in my dress drinking champagne from the bottle
When a chinchilla decides to sit on your face while you're getting head from its owner, you bond.
did you not get the photos of the finger bruises on my ass?
I was going through my mom's stuff to find her xanax, and I found her vibrators instead. Plural. That is like the opposite of what I wanted.
You were, but he disappeared after you said you wanted him to get you pregnant so you'd have a child by the time the Boy Meets World sequel starts
I'm wearing sunglasses around my house. Douchebag status. The hangover is real.
You declared your undying love to a drag queen, then proceeded to puke into the poor man's purse.
you said you couldn't hang because you had to masturbate and feed your lizard
Also you know what's irritating? When the guy you're sleeping with refuses to like any of your Instagram posts
I want to ride his face like a jet ski
Dude why is my bed and bedding wrapped in bubble wrap?
Cuz u wanted to insure u had a safe sleep
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