I woke up with my face in a pile of pancakes and 3000 mistakes.
I think horse shit smells the best of all shits.
And as you crawled into the bathroom last night you repeatedly said "I know the routine".
It tastes like I coughed up blood....hello liver damage, I've been expecting you.
it's like her boobs came off with her bra
Please tell me you saw the asian lady with the medical mask on cutting her lawn with scissors.
... there are chew marks on my license. I have no idea.
im drinking italian dressing and watching dexter. its 230am. lets never drink on sundays again.
I think god is proud of me so he is rewarding me in discounted wine
I feel like just to watch it, I need to be high. To understand it, I'd need enough drugs to kill an elephant.
I wish I was there to have sex with you on the plane to lessen your anxiety.
That's the nicest thing anyone has over said to you.
I'm trying to get WebMD to diagnose me with a hangover
You know we have no secrets, right? I mean, you saw me shitting in a gift bag drunk and naked on Christmas eve.
She's like the Jonah Hill of sorority sisters.
Want to sleep. Also want to see Alex on MDMA doing really stupid shit. Choices...
Randomize
