I'm not sure where but someone shit somewhere in the house
I just want you to know I tipped the cab driver $10 last night because I felt bad that he didn't have healthcare.
Unintentionally made him cum in his own mouth, and he just sat there screaming..
Slutty costumes are my most sacred holiday tradition! Wearing a not-slutty costume is like putting cheezwiz on a communion wafer.
I refuse to have sex with you and your eBay condoms.
It must have been an amazing night, I have "my pants are responsible people" written on my pants in permanent marker.
No it'll be my boobs and the luge part will be from my nipples. Everyone will be sucking beer from my perfectly sculpted and partially melted tits.
so when he he finally wandered back into the room it was with a pound of cream cheese which he ate in 5 minutes flat and then passed out
Stumbled across a pregnancy test in my closet. Oh, the freshman year flashbacks..
I don't need to know how horny your mother is, hun.
sex on a roof was cool and all but that superhero argument was the best part of the night hands down
At least life still wants to fuck me.
You wouldn't happen to know why there's an inflatable monkey riding a mattress on my roof would you?
They're giving you narcotics aren't they?
If I offered to share would you come visit me?
I just woke up, dressed as Chris Brown, with a bunless hot dog (presumably from 7/11) in my pocket, wearing a pair of shoes I don't recognize as my own. Help.
Randomize
