I think the world might be a better place if everyone was capable of having open relationships.
i'm so high that for the last 10 minutes i pretened my sock was a mouse, and played with it like it was legit.
some people wear their heart on their sleeve but you just wear your vagina on your face.
Protip: If you slur the word 'tipsy', you've progressed beyond tipsy.
4 to the list in one week. Slutsville isn't as fun as the brochure promised.
the wall and i were having dominance issues.
I just used a baby fork as a roach clip. I am totally the cool aunt.
Nothing like hearing "I found your pinky nail" before you even noticed it was missing.
Just realized I'm going to have to make you sign a non-disclosure agreement before my wedding.
You know you've got awesome issues when the main deciding factor of whether or not to cut your nails depends on nacho consumption in the near future
Just had ice cream and a blow job come together in one glorious, defining moment.
I smoked out of two pipes at the same time while my friends wielded the lighters last night. It felt like I graduated to the next level of stoner.
Note to self; if you can light it on fire, you probs shouldn't drink it
Im crossing my legs while on the toilet. It's like I'm unconsciously thinking "if im going to barf and shit at the same time, Im at least going to do it LIKE A LADY"
I gave him head while despicable me 2 played in the background. I think I disappointed the minions
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