I woke up this morning wearing my tux shirt and jacket, but no pants.
______ was pissed. My breath tastes like tequila and doritos, and I couldn't get it up.
I'm going to shit on something weird... I can't wait
Every time my boyfriend threatens to commit suicide I change my relationship status as "widowed".
Ok I won't set anything on fire if you wear pants all night. This is a bet we're both destined to lose.
The future queen of Norway was pregnant with a druglord's baby when she met the prince. We still have hope.
It hit me after I slept with his best friends and brother, that maybe I took it a bit far
Beer bonged 7 shots of Jameson. I title this night short stories with tragic endings.
No more fucking baseball tools. Walk-of-shamed home in only a pinstriped jersey and a Red Sox SnapBack.
What does puking wasabi feel like?
Like snorting cocaine backwards.
He had "Bad Bitches Only" tattooed above his dick. I don't know his name but I hope I find him again. I also don't feel that I lived up to the challenge.
we were playing waterfall, then strip waterfall, then we were just listening to music, drinking, and slowly becoming more naked
I'd rather be sodomized with a fullly decorated Christmas tree.
The bump on my forehead, i think, was from falling asleep at front door, on my knees, slumped over. But we played good music so what?
I need a conscience and I need it yesterday.
I think we have some hyper-understanding of each other when drunk, because looking back at our text convo from last night, they were literally just jumbled letters.
Randomize
