I would have at least made out with you if you were showered.
she was puking into the toilet drowning herself saying "its okay im a swimmer"
We watched a biography of Frida Kahlo in class today. It was depressing. A chick with a UNIBROW just put my sex life to shame.
Dude you can't like a status about me getting hit by a car
I just bought 4 bottles of wine in sweats at 530 on a monday night. Fuck law school
We thought we had lost her until we found her in the bushes a block away singing "Jingle Bells".
can you come back were all locked out and alyssia's still inside passed out on the floor but more importantly i left a beer in there that's not finished
The cop was more concerned with the fact I had cowboy boots on with shorts than the fact we were under age
I just found the gloves and lightbulb I stole. Did you pee on a ATM inside a bank?
I'm covered in mustard and it looks like I nose dived in to barbed wire ??? Was last night that good?
Hey dude. I've got a mini fridge in my closet now so we don't have to worry about getting drunk and falling down the stairs on our way to get more beer.
I offered to give him "road head" while he played GTA 5. I think he will be more optimistic about date night in the future.
Sware then you fell into me doing a Tarzan swing thing and my margherita spilled and shattered all over this guy and sice you were on the ground you tried to pull it off by twerking on the floor lmfao
Strip club, what strip club did I eat a steak at? That's the appropriate question
My professor congratulated me on turning my assignment in early. I didn't have the heart to tell him I only passed it in early cause my sex plans got canceled for the night.
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