I wish my grandma would stop using the phrase "he pulled out" when she's talking about her contractor quitting his job.
I was so drunk last night that I went into my 15 year old sisters room to have her peer edit the drunk texts I was sending to my ex.
You thought cars couldnt see you if you stuck your head in the mail box
ugly people sure do ruin things
he asked if thats how we do it in the states..like there's cultural difference in fucking between canada and the us..
headbutted the bartender, tried to bite the bouncer, and pissed on a cops shoes. and i still got laid. god, it's good to be home
Just saw the first guy I gave head to lose in the french open...some how I feel better that my mistake made it to the same mistake as our relationship, the third round. Don't judge.
and then she judged me for using my bra as a potholder. hard times my friend, welcome to college.
I'm stranded in the Hampton area. Looks like I'm going to have to take one for the team and pass out by this applebees.
Saturday evening, however, will be my vodka and bubble wrap extravaganza.
The guy who's car I hit last night just followed me on Twitter...not sure how to feel about it.
Got too starbucks. 3out of the 4 girls working i have ducked and haven't ever called. My coffee has dick written on it. It may contain spit by pumpkin lattes are only once a year
She gave you a handy in the bar and you were surprised she was good with a dick?
Hahah good point
Margaritas just taste better when they're bigger than your head
Idk... I'm not sure why anyone would use a flesh light in general. Let alone hook it up to a wifi device.
Randomize
