I want to leave work and go home and eat Five Guys and masturbate
Just saw a guy wearing pink jeans and i bet he's straight. Fuck 2009.
I don't remember which guy I met at the bar is coming to pick me up. It will be like my birthday surprise.
Sober December ended when I found beer behind my bed...I lost $2000 but spent 6 hours sober. Meet me at the bar?
I'm genuinely dissapointed that we didn't make any fat chicks cry
You were laying in bed whispering and crying to the half eaten burrito saying "why am I shitting so much" and "what did I do to deserve this"
I think the closest to heaven you can get in this world is your morning dump after a night of Molly
I'm just gonna clean the house so my Mom won't think I'm hung over. I'll just start with the toilet
I'm honored that you could tear yourself away from your girlfriend's vagina long enough to text me.
I'm potentially being cockblocked by Old Man Winter. What the fuck did I do to piss off an entire season?
I WANNA SUCK HIS DICK ON A BOAT
she broke the sink..i repeat the sink is off the wall. send help
Got a blowjob while watching James Bond's "Octopussy." My 13 year old self would be so proud
After this weekend my vagina will follow his penis anywhere. It’s like the pied piper, but with penis
This year my vagina is giving thanks that several of my cubs are coming home for the holiday
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