this girl is running around outside screaming, it's creaming on me! it's creaming on me. I totally have to find my video camera
when i start to cry when i lose at mario kart is when you should put me to bed
He kissed my cheek and I could smell it the whole way home like shit
You know you had a bad blackout when you forget you held the stanley cup.
You were too busy being proud of your penis shaped pancakes to notice...
the orgasm was like being thrown to the other end of reality, so getting a nosebleed from it wasnt too upsetting at that point
I haven't shaved in at least a week, he said "obviously neither one of us was prepared for this"
Its funny how you denied every part of the text except " you hate fat ppl"
Just slept with a female bodybuilder. not cute. but it was like fucking hulk hogan with a twat. Beastly.
im so disgusted with myself. funny thing was i lasted 15 seconds. she benches 325
He asked me how france is treating me
Tell him you got so much dick you may never come back to the US. That ought to keep him away
My vagina needs her own mother sometimes.
You thought there were zombies attacking us so you tried to tuck and roll out of a moving vehicle. Also you should consider wearing underwear
Three Decembers later, I'm looking at this fuckin Santa lingerie I bought and just realized my stocking never got stuffed....
Remember the time you cried about coconuts
The economy isn’t reopen until I can get drunk and motorboat fake tits at lunch on a Wednesday
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