I basing my decision on whether or not to date someone on whether I could imagine having sex with them sober
She was hit by a car at 47 mph and lived. That explains everything.
You realize it's finals week?
Ya that's the school's fault. St. Patrick's day came first.
no more everclear, i just stood next to the toilet and peed my pants. then went back to the party soaking wet.
Foreign porn with subtitles is a little disappointing.
The woman exiting the men's room tried convincing me she was actually a good-looking man.
He gave me his business card. It was a Justin Bieber trading card with his number written in sharpie. I have to call him don't I?
Mom just posted ur drunk pix from Cancun in the newly made "My not-so-fantastic son" album. Thought you should know.
The nursing school interview showed me a picture of my passed out during your party. They asked if this was a frquent thing. I told them you drugged me.
After this weekend, it looks come this holiday season I'll be walking in a winter abortionland.
You were crying because you hate wine coolers but you really wanted to prove you could finish it
You know when you get a stripper pays your bail. You got good wood.
Alright if I email the police department asking for my mug shot do you think they will email it to me
He sent me a pic and then I suffered dick amnesia about the rest of that
Had a girl with a moustache tattoo on her hand give me a handjob. That shit was classy as fuck. I felt like I should be wearing a monocle or something.
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