at some point when you're making out with the ex girlfriend of your ex fuck buddy who happens to be the ex boyfriend of the girl that you just got drunk with who was hitting on your current fuck buddy who is best friends with your ex boyfriend, it just hits you: oh my god i need to get out more and expand my social circle.
He just said "Chunky" very loudly in his sleep.
he said I was the best sex he's ever had, handed me a burger king crown and told me to take my walk of shame with pride
my bedside table was not meant to hold this many beer bottles.
What's the appropriateness of putting a 50 cent lyric in my gmas eulogy?
you just stood there spinning and got mad if anyone tried to stop you
I'm soaked in champagne. I'm eating oatmeal from mcdonalds tonight was glorious
Woke up this morning on my doorstep in a basket with a branch, a lipstick lightning bolt on my head and a sign that said "the boy who lived." i love you guys.
Oh that could end badly if you get them mixed up.. you know who I think you should focus on?? THE ONE WITH THE BIG BLACK COCK, just sayin
The guy at the ER said it was the first time he's given stitches for a funneling accident. Then he seemed upset that I took pride in that...
it's finals week and we've been blasting country porch drinkin since 10AM. there's been like 4 tweets about hearin us on the other side of campus
We are gonna sacrifice to and pray to every god in this world that he doesn't find out about her sleeping with his old roommate.
Why did I wake up in bed with the ironing board and a Mariah Carey mask? Vodka hates me
Ex-boyfriend shit on a ping pong table at a party last night. Taking "party pooper" to a whole new level.
you were making out with a girl because you told her you were part of Nsync
Randomize
