there's paper in my vomit.
either my laughing turned him on, or he wanted to shut me up. either way, i dont care. it was amazing.
I had one margarita and got the worst headache of my life... its like my liver has senior week ptsd
I just did a sobriety test in a tutu.
It's one of the many facets of my drunken alter egos. I'm like substance abuse batman.
Even when you're down just know that I will always be the one to pour alcohol into your asshole when you're on probation
No one should ever have to Neosporin their nipples. At least he apologized.
My most recent midlife crisis involved eating a doughnut in 30 seconds but taking 5 minutes to do half a shot of whiskey, then deciding I wasn't going to finish it.
So you told me to remind you that you vomited 3 times in the street because you would forget so here is your reminder
I was full on naked standing in his room and I just said "this isn't me" and left.
In the morning when you read your texts, just fyi you showed up at my house drunk off your ass and shoe less and demanded I go to the bar. You need Jesus.
I should stop using "Braveheart would do it" as a basis for decision making...
My hangover didn't kick in until like 4pm so I found myself puking in the middle of Times Square. During rush hour. In a three piece suit. A spongebob came by and patted me on the back.
I can feel your judgement through the phone
Note to self: dont wear a butt plug for several hours and then go gym and try and do squats
Randomize
