I am dying of drunk and no thats not a typo.
I just found a video on my phone from last night of you yelling, "you can't fuck me!" at least 20 times
When i say that im working late and also have a paper to write before 9am tomorrow all i want u to respond is saying that ur gunna come over and sexually distract me from my responsibilities. Not a fucking frowny face.
Sorry. Im on my way.
I accidentally lit my hair on fire and we broke the bed. How was your night?
Well at least you learned that cops don't like when you call them frenchy. Nice dive over the fence by the way.
Dude, I found out having naked people in your car is a felony.. Now were all fucked.
MANGO MOTHERFUCKING GODDAMN MARGARITA DELICIOUSNESS
Would fucking the college coach be against recruiting rules?
My butt remains clenched, sir.
I had a rough night. I'm just gonna lay here and masturbate for a while before I have to go adult.
I passed out with the lights and tv on woke up at 4am SO confused and covered in goldfish so I ate them and went back to bed.. fuck xanax
When we got into his bed, his damn parrot started making sex noises in the other room
i still cant feel my toes or walk straight...its been 2 days.
Did I tell you I drunk fucked my one roommate last week
Uh no
Is it wrong that I have to schedule a family Sunday brunch around my mom's weekly banging of my stepdad. And why do I even know this??
Randomize