i got your date sluuuuuuut pick up my calls or else hes mine
She's like a coupon for free blow jobs. No purchase necessary.
My mom just walked in on me and my girlfriend about to have sex. All she said was "You're lookin like a fool with your pants on the ground.."
He's hungover and at the neighbour's garage sale negotiating a price for a tuba.
What was she thinking? I'm not in the business of charity fucks anymore.
There are cops on horseback in our back yard
I just overheard this sorority girl saying "It's like trick or treting but for alcohol and with no costumes." I'm jealous.
On my way to get pizza I followed a dog into Salvation Army where I was just hired
I'm pretty sure I imagined the dog... They still hired me
Where was Alyssa when you were sniffing the bouncer?
Passed out on some guy who looked like someone from Duck Dynasty.
He said something last night about making crepes, but after getting pissed on in bed, I question everything.
I'm a girl who met my last three bfs in gay clubs. Think I'm doing something wrong?
The cat ate a weed mint. This is not a drill
I've been trying to fall asleep with ice packs covering my vagina for the last hour... Sorry for being vulgar. I'm going to kill myself.
It's been THREE DAYS. Why do I still have the munchies?!
Why the fuck is Ian Naked eating string cheese in my guest bedroom?
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