i can't believe i had my finger in that
Someone carved 'Hank' in all caps in the snow outside my apartment building so naturally I turned the capital H into a K and added an S to the front.
I think college has really matured you.
Took his v-card last night. Yet another experience I didn't expect to have in my thirties.
A drunk hobo just gave me a fist bump. Because I know what a womb is.
Just applied for assistance with paying my hospital bill from my alcohol poisoning at age 16 while still a little drunk from last night. What is my life.
Circle of life?
Everywhere I look there's another kitten this is so ideal
Can I live on acid? Kittens man. Kittens.
He called me twice and texted me at 3am. Guess absence makes the dick grow harder.
I'm basically your average "grandpa stuck in a 28 year old woman's body" - i'm super passionate about retirement and crossing on the walk signal.
and SLEEP god I love sleep
This girl just said she was late for class because she was having sex.
Some how my underwear was hanging from the antlers of a antelope head on the wall of the hotel........
Funny you say that, I just sold my stripper pole to my mom tonight...
Not sure how my purse ended up in the bushes last night... Or why there was a noodle strainer in the toilet.
i don't know what happened one minute im stumbling home drunk and the next im drinking pabst and smoking with a french guy ive never met named hugo.
She left a cookie cake on my porch, and the frosting reads "I'm sorry". She left me an I'm-sorry-for-punching-you-in-the-face cake.
You almost got us killed.
YOU’RE WELCOME FOR NAVIGATING YOU TO A ONCE IN A LIFETIME EXPERIENCE.
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