I puked in a mailbox on the way back from your house.
this is a mass text: i just made a grilled cheese with an iron and pasta with the coffeemaker in the hotel room. bow before your new god.
like in an apt above a crackhead. A LEGIT CRACKHEAD. he woke me up every morning this week asking me if I wanted to buy a mini fridge and some CDs. at 5 am. EVERY DAY.
Hey just to warn you theres a really fat guy passed out in front of our front door snoring. Don't touch him, he's in god's hands now.
Woke up next to my bed in a pile of skittles, sleeping on a pair of sweatpants. I can't believe the girl didn't stick around..
Yeah I had to push her down the hallway to the hotel room in a luggage carrier. The guy at the desk told me goodluck
It involved anal and pop rocks. Tell me how that could have ended well.
Sex on roller skates
Floating mattress
Tie
It was one of those "how did I get to my bed and what am I wearing" mornings.
Ultimate cock block. About to have sex and your mom calls you so you can go help your grandmother figure out how to vote for the voice on her iPad
the last thing I remember is taking a pull of ever clear and chasing it with vodka
We’re leaving where are you
Hold on Toxic just started playing
I am become drunk, destroyer of all worlds
I feel like everything in my life has been preparing me for my future sex robot experience
You’re so close!!!
so i might have slept on your bathroom floor last night...
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