I failed the drunk obstacle course of trying to find my bed... consolation prize... a sore ankle and "disappointed' parents.
She said she never had to courage to go fully shaved. Since when did shaving your snatch become courageous?
I still have your handprint on my ass. You're not allowed to ignore me yet.
Isn't it statistically impossible for THAT many ugly people to be in one place at one time?
My cab driver just texted me 'goodnight beautiful'. I think my 'desperate for a guy phase' has just moved into a fuck my life phase.
As we were fooling around he told me he was conceived on this bed like it would turn me on.
Like I couldn't describe it to you but if they did a lineup of penises i'd be able to pick it out.
I told you, I don't give a SHIT about their music. I JUST. WANT. TO FUCK. THE BASSIST.
that's the best thing i've ever said to a penis
I think i just shit in their garbage can, I'm ready for that ride u owe bro.
I can still be you friend and be there for you. And sometimes get drunk and fuck you.
I need to sleep so I can die properly tomorrow.
You WHAT?!?!
Paid. A. Homeless. Guy. To. Throw. A. Drink. In. Her. Face.
I fucking love you.
Bro, I was just laying in bed with this girl and her boyfriend came an woke me up
Started my new year off by being hospitalized with pneumonia. You?
Found out I'm pregnant.
I'll stick with pneumonia.
Randomize
