I drank almost a whole fifth last night. Woke up with blood everywhere wearing a "stereotype this" tshirt. How fitting
dude she snuck out while I was still sleeping then was banging on the door 10 minutes later cuz her car was brokedown. how was I suppose to recognize her??
Don't you ever say "drinking at 2" as if it's a bad thing again. I'm asking you as a friend here.
I wasn't sure if "you're even prettier in the dark" was a compliment. Hmm.
Why did I think it was so necessary to steal that rolling pin?
Woke up this morning with a junior police officer sticker over my nipple this morning.
Grilled cheese and whiskey for lunch is why i should NEVER be a housewife.
Do you remember Kelly my alter personality? She talked like a man and would sing amazing grace?
You know you're at a low point when you're sucking vodka out if your hair.
Yes stubble LOOKS hot but factor in his shitty bj skills and I might as well have jacked off with apricot scrub
Spent fifteen minutes in the car thinking i was psychic before i realized the cd was not on shuffle
She asked me to dress as captain planet for halloween and told me she was gonna suck the pollution out of my dick.
Based on his face I'm positive he has a beautiful penis.
I'm smoking and watching the Muppets Treasure Island. Where are you?
Something about that statement reminds me just how much of a role model you are, sis.
I just did my taxes to sober up, I'm THAT hungover
Randomize
