it's too hot outside to masturbate.
Fuck. I have a girl here waiting on me in my room! I told her I was going to get a drink of water... I'm in the bathroom taking a dump... I have mudd butt bad... There's NO toilet paper!!
My boss just told me $1,000 at a six hour event wouldn't be worth her time. She makes $70k a yr. and apparently never learned multiplication.
when i told him i was pregnant with his baby he texted me 'congradulations'
i pity the fetus.
i can't believe he got me to come over to him by waving a natty light at me.
Admitting I go to nursing school is my subtle way of saying, yes, I know every muscle in your penis and how to effectively use them.
my head hurts. i need an adult
and not like a cool parent adult. like a full fledged party pooper grandparent adult
drinking from the bathtub cause I'm too lazy to walk downstairs and too thirsty to care
so I am that guy with the red solo cup in class. someone has to step it up.
Def went to work still drunk... the only comment i got was good to see you drinking more water...
I just realized that with the new snapchat update / emoji sticker thing I can now use easily use emojis to cover my boobs in nudes.
Well, I wish you luck on finding out who your boyfriend is
Aww well I’m kinda unsober so probably best
That Spanish guy who looks like Ben Affleck from that club we went to 3 weeks ago is still texting me.. He clearly doesn't remember what I look like.
(919) the date's not going well. He's on his phone talking about his eBay amine shit...
Randomize
