I can't believe you let me try to pierce your nipple with a dart last night
Please explain to me what this has to do with my fantasy to fuck larry king?
I just put anything in between my legs and hope for the best.
No I'm not okay I had a crush on the singer of Tokio Hotel for four months and now you tell me he's a dude?
you wouldn't come out from under your bed because you said there were six-armed bears everywhere.
ohhh that explains the pepperonis I found in my sock drawer this morning...
no it doesn't.
i almost burnt down an apartment complex. little busy, get back to you later
She just said she wanted to get freaky and left the room. I'm almost certain I just heard the microwave.
A girl just told me she printed out my pictures and taped them on her wall. I have to stop sleeping with virgins.
Putting a positive pregnancy test next to my condoms in my drawer so I remember why I always need to use condoms
Chicks, chicks everywhere, and not a drop to drink. Dude, when did real life lesbians get HOT?
I'm shotgunning a 12 pack at a bus stop. This is why we pay the rent with an auto withdrawal at the beginning of the month
I told the bartender that his red, white and blue shots were terrible and tasted like Thomas Jefferson's balls.
Just whatever you do, don't neglect the balls.
Is it appropriate to send an apology gift to his roommates for breaking the bathroom sink during crazy sex?
I have to hand it to her. In my heyday I took home the 'biggest shitshow of the night' award 9 times out of 10. But I passed the torch on to her last night, and she went skipping merrily far and away with it into the enchanted world of aggressive alcoholism. Is this 30?
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