At some point I made a semi-conscious decision that i was okay with sleeping in my own vomit.
We may have a problem that even dr. phil cant solve
Buying weed on Christmas. Gotta love Jewish drug dealers
Downstairs neighbor just asked me to tell people when they jump off the balcony next time not to land on her flowers
Chick stood right next to me in the elevator. Like she had the whole elevator and she stood right next to me. So I farted.
Did the math... it's Magna Cum Laude whether I get a 4.0 or a 0.0 this semester. I'm blacking out now, wake me up when I have to walk across the stage,
If we ever start off with margaritas for breakfast and end up naked covered in olive oil...I could think of worse ways to spend a day.
you peed off the balcony at your sisters and asked someone below to catch it with a cup
Turns out the old man beside me in the waiting room was dead, but other then that it was a good day.
Safe to say I'm terrified but totally AMPED
Hold on... Are we having an intellectual conversation about porn?
Yup
I love us.
Hmmm, well all I'm saying is don't do anything too irrational because you miss him and are blinded by his large penis.
Just so you know sleeping with you is like skydiving commando in a flightsuit made of kittens
That's the most romantic thing I've ever heard
Also I know now I was meant to be a comedian. Had both arresting officers laughing.
Just peed on the front lawn of the capital building. Great American.
Randomize
